JOTD

[ZAngel]

You've probably heard this one, but it always makes me laugh!



In a trial, in a small SC town, a prosecuting attorney called his first
> > witness to the stand.
> > She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and
> > nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God. The witness was a
> > proper well-dressed elderly lady, the grandmother type, well-spoken and
> poised.
> > The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones,
do
> > you know me?"
> > She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
> > since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment
> > to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly
> about
> > them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you
> > haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than
a
> > two-bit paper pushing shyster.Yes, I know you quite well."
> > The lawyer was stunned and slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the
> > judge's and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who
> documented
> > every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and
> > asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
> > She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he
was
> a
> > youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem.
> > The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his
law
> > practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he
> > cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
> > The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in
his
> > chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps thundered
> > throughout the court room and the audience was on the verge of chaos.
> > At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both
> > counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of
you
> > crooked bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for
contempt

[BORIS]

THE VETERINARIANS MOTHER

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collectionplate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Madam, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."

The priest replied... "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"The old lady said.... "Oh, $20,000 a week."

The Priest was amazed... "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is a very honorable profession. The priest says. Where does he practice?"

The old lady says proudly...."Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

OLDIE BUT GOODY

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER-

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named

FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event: __________________________________________________ ________

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. __________________________________________________ ________

CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

__________________________________________________ ________

CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uraniums pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer. __________________________________________________ ______

CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac? __________________________________________________ _____

CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

__________________________________________________ ______

CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rear with a snow cone! __________________________________________________ _

CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a dam* thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just inhale it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach

[ZAngel]

A man and his dog
were walking along
a road. The man was enjoying the
scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He
remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead
for years. He
wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of

the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it
was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was
standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked
like
Mother of Pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure
gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a
man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out,
"Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought
right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the
traveler
asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and
continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came
to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had
never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he
saw
a
man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there". The man pointed to a place
that
couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and
sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside
it.

The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he
gave
some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back
toward
the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them. "What do you
call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," he answered.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road
said
that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope.
That's Hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they
screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."

[BORIS]

> PEACE AT LAST
>
> I am passing this on to you because this has
> definitely worked for me.
>
> By following the simple advice I read in an
> article, I have finally found
> inner peace. It reads:
>
> "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
> the things you've
> started."
>
> I looked around the house to see all the things I
> started and hadn't
> finished.
>
> So, today I have finished one bottle of bacardi, my
> Valium, a large bag of
> Doritos, a large pizza, a chocolate cake, a gallon
> of strawberry ice cream
> and
> a case of beer. You have no idea how good I feel.
>
> You may pass this on to those you feel are also in
> need of Inner Peace.

[ddnuts]

Those were funny.

[v8zman]

ahh another 2yr old thread

[ddnuts]

That isn't funny? That is my JOTD. Enjoy!